IVF Round 2

I know my last IVF post was a nitty gritty, detailed, step-by-step synopsis, but I honestly have tried 8 times to write this one out and I can't. 

Really weird.

I think it's because I'm just so ready to move on but there are a bunch of people who have kindly asked how things are currently going for us so I'll definitely give you a little nutshell version.

IVF ROUND 2 RECAP:

• things were great.

• all smooth.

• things progressed better than ever.

• Remi LOVED time with her cousins!

• Lauren and my parents are gems.

• egg retrieval was the same as last time.

• called the next morning with results of fertilization: 13 eggs and 0 fertilized... !?!

• broke our hearts. shattered them really.

• that feeling was one of a kind. all of that effort, money + hope, gone! BLANK SLATE. Didn't even get to transfer them.

• we made the decision to shut this all down for a while -- no followup appointments.

• i purged my house and threw away all sharps and unnecessary medications.

• within hours i felt like a new person. 

• i have never felt so much R E L I E F !! Two years of madness and it felt so right and so freeing.

• a week later we booked a flight to AZ + dodged Mother's Day because that was a bit tender for me.

• but life is good!

• moving on for a while.

The effects of infertility have been life changing for JP and I. Life has shifted dramatically. I look at all mothers, all children, all struggling individuals, and basically all aspects of family with the BIGGEST heart now. It's not something I will ever take for granted and it's not something I will ever come back from. There's just no way around it. Infertility is a permanent THICK chapter in my book of life now and I have been sooooo changed from it. I just feel so different -- like I have evolved or something haha.

This is me.

This is us, our unfathomable reality.

Now finally with a breath of fresh air!

I feel like I have been in a two-year-long battle, in every possible sense of the word! I have learned so much -- probably too much. My journal will be super interesting and hilarious to look back on in a couple of years! ;) 

There is a lot of strength in wanting something so badly and realizing we are clearly supposed to be focusing on something else right now. I don't know exactly what that is but I have faith in our Heavenly Father's plan for us. There is far too much unknown with infertility for us to hold on to anything else but hope + faith. 

My time will come. 

Our baby will come someday.

I know it.